Accepting that one’s twin does not want the same close relationship that you desire is a heartbreaking conundrum. Marlene, an identical twin woman in her late thirties, contacted me about her disappointment and sadness at her sister’s refusal to go on a trip together to celebrate their fortieth birthday. Marlene was perplexed and surprised by her sister’s flat-out refusal to join her. Marlene had organized an elaborate European vacation, specifically including a city that her twin, Mandy, has always wanted to visit. Marlene excitedly explained to Mandy that she made the itinerary very detailed and methodical so that she would be comfortable and at ease.

Without hesitation, Mandy told Marlene that she had no desire to take this type of trip. She shared that she is too anxious and uncomfortable traveling without a professionally planned itinerary such as a cruise or prearranged tour group. When Marlene began to cry, Mandy became defensive and upset for a few moments. She said, “I am tired of your caretaking efforts. I need space for myself. I want someone else to take care of me.” Mandy softened her tone, acknowledging Marlene’s tear-stained face, yet she was steadfast in her thinking. She had no desire to celebrate this milestone birthday in the manner designed and organized by Marlene.

Marlene is weighed down heavily by the societal and cultural expectations of twinship. She said that she feels bad and guilty when friends wonder why she and Mandy spend so little time together. Marlene recognizes that she needs to reorient her twin priorities and feelings and concentrate on her individual needs. She is going ahead with this birthday trip, traveling with a good friend. She realizes that her twin expectations will not be fulfilled considering Mandy’s reality and agenda. She does not blame herself or Mandy for their respective positions; their twin connection holds different meanings for each of them. Hopefully, in time, their relationship will evolve into a mutually agreed-upon compromise that will take into account each other’s separate and autonomous desires.