One often reads about how a daughter physically resembles her mother. However, unconsciously turning one’s son or daughter into the twin you wish you had is a uniquely complex dynamic. This situation occurred with a female identical twin in her seventies (“Mary”) who contacted me a few years after her sister had unexpectedly passed away. She hoped to find some understanding and compassion about her complicated feelings regarding her twin.

She described how their estrangement had widened over the years. They had minimal communication; however, whenever they did have telephone conversations or exchange letters, Mary felt as if her sister’s single agenda was to aggrandize herself and belittle Mary. This behavior seemed to replicate the circumstances that unfolded as they were growing up. Mary felt enormous resentment that her twin failed to appreciate or listen to her. Their communications were a unilateral one-upmanship exchange.

Mary stopped trying to assert herself or her beliefs in response to her twin’s constant barrage of competitive barbs. As we talked and delved more deeply into their twin bond, Mary recognized how the twin relationship had formulated and organized her deep-rooted feelings of unhappiness and self-loathing. Feeling unworthy and unlovable stemmed in large part from the unequal treatment she and her twin had received.

As we moved through her recognition of these issues, Mary shared her sadness about the strained relationship she has with her youngest daughter. She is upset about their disjointed connection and is at a loss as to how and why their relationship has become so hostile and uncaring. The issues around this daughter’s birth were salient in that Mary’s husband did not want another child. However, her wishes prevailed. She explained that this daughter resembles her physically more than her other children. She felt as if she loved this child unconditionally. She relished in and supported her daughter’s artistic talents and pursuits.

Eventually, we recognized how much this daughter was unknowingly ordained to be Mary’s “good” twin. In fact, her name is a derivative of her twin’s name. Outside of her awareness, Mary needed this child to be the loving, pleasant, grateful, and appreciative twin that she had longed to love. Her ongoing disappointment with her daughter reflected her disillusioned hope.

Mary gradually internalized how her longings for a loving twin bond clouded her ability to parent this daughter. She was out of touch with her daughter’s needs and persona because she was preoccupied with seeing her as her lovable double. While it is not unusual for this dynamic to occur with some parents and their offspring, the complications of a disturbed twinship can certainly muddle and aggravate an already unhealthy and unhappy situation.

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