In many situations, twins can motivate each other to do well. They are their sibling’s staunchest supporter and cheerleader. Especially in sports, if they are competing against each other, one will often say, “Even if I don’t win but my twin does, it still feels like a victory for both of us.” Many sets of twins have learned how to celebrate each other rather than react at the expense of the other.

However, often this synergistic energy is absent. I think most twins do not relish the competition and rivalry inherent in their relationship. Parents who do not recognize these circumstances cannot help their twins navigate the terrain. As a result, many adult twins find themselves defined by and overwhelmed with the outcomes.

“Esther” is a 22-year-old identical twin. She contacted me after reading my book The Same but Different. She expressed considerable anxiety and shame about not being able to “keep up” with her sister. She was honest and insightful about the fact that her twin was not doing anything deliberately to make her miserable. Esther’s longing to understand her unhappiness while not blaming her twin has been a pivotal factor in her therapeutic gains and recovery.

At the beginning of treatment, she repeatedly asked why her twin, “Mia,” seemed to breeze through situations that Esther experienced as insurmountable. Esther revealed that Mia’s outgoing personality enabled her to make friends easily with both men and women. Esther felt her social relationships were strained and uncomfortable. Often, she felt unlikable and awkward. Mia had a cadre of good friends, as well as a boyfriend. Esther confided that she felt incapable of trusting men and had developed a self-protective narrative whereby she rationalized that she preferred to be alone.

She wore her protective armor with strong convictions about being unattractive—both inside and out. She focused on her outward appearance, reassuring herself that no one could possibly find her pretty. As we started to tackle some of the issues behind her self-deprecation and shame, she recalled a number of incidents from her childhood that helped her see the patterns in her internal struggles and present-day feelings.

Talking about her reactions to her parents’ divorce highlighted many of her fears and anxieties about dating and intimacy. Also, my educating her about the expectable difficulties related to growing up as a twin enabled her to put her self-deprecating tendencies into context. Ironically, the thought processes that accompany twin development can understandably influence a youngster to believe there is only one black-and-white, either-or avenue to accommodate twin differences.

She shared a poignant memory about a time when she and Mia were eyeing a dress they both liked. Hearing Mia say that she liked it immediately signaled to Esther that this was no longer something she could have or covet. There was no animosity or regret—just an organic, automatic reaction via her twin radar. She understood and accepted the conditions willingly to please Mia. The difference now is that Esther is figuring out what she wants and giving herself permission to go after it, albeit with tremendous anxiety and trepidation.

With her increasing self-awareness, Esther is making great strides to do what she has imagined herself incapable of, such as dating and making wider social connections. She no longer feels that Mia’s accomplishments signal that she cannot have her own. The beauty of this work is helping a twin recognize that her longings and desires do not remain out of her reach just because her sister has achieved success.

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