I am inundated with parental requests for help regarding their twins’ social struggles. Whether it’s primary school, middle school, high school, or college, these issues pop up and cause tremendous turmoil for twins and their families, who look for help to navigate through these dilemmas.

In responding to requests from parents of twins of various ages, I believe that the root causes appear to be similar and longstanding. It stands to reason that if younger twins have been together most of the time, more than likely they have shared friends and friend groups. If by some chance they have been able to include another peer into their dyad, this shared friend creates a triad instead.

What can occur is that one twin or both begin to make it clear that they want their own friends. While this makes sense since they have had to share pretty much all the resources around them, they have had little experience in the art of making friends and keeping friends. Either other children approach them as a duo or reject them as they are not interested in taking on two people at a time. The lifelong practice of having to share toys, clothing, Mom and Dad, and time and attention plays out again in this competition for singular friends.

One mom shared that her 11-year-old daughters both want their own friends; however, the dynamic between the girls, evident since they were toddlers, comes into play. The more assertive twin swoops in and feels compelled to take friends whom her sister has tried to cultivate. This practice characterizes their longstanding patterns of wanting what the other has and successfully finding ways to take away these coveted valuables.

I discussed with their mom that one strategy is that the less assertive twin could learn how to be more insistent. I believe that it’s best to focus on behavioral corrections until the mom can discuss with her daughters how this situation cripples both of them socially. The conflict that will inevitably erupt will provide an opportunity to help them develop the skills to work through tensions with each other.

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