Sibling relationships change significantly over the course of adulthood. As siblings choose partners and have children, unanticipated conflicts arise. Their capacity to tolerance differences becomes integral to their maintaining harmonious connections. However, with twin siblings, many people expect that their relationship will remain forever stable and compatible. Twins themselves seem to be acculturated into thinking and expecting that their childhood connection will seamlessly transition into an adult mindset.

A young man in his early twenties (Ralph) contacted me to help him work through an estrangement from his twin sister. Her treatment of him had changed radically for no apparent reason. He described an intimate childhood closeness and reiterated how much they had psychologically relied upon each other in a big family with scant parental attunement. Ralph acknowledges that he is a very sensitive individual, and his sister’s (Lucy) cruel and dismissive treatment has left him feeling very frustrated, misunderstood, and lost.

Before we delved more deeply into why these changes happened, I wanted to validate his reactions to her mistreatment and help him develop strategies to deal with it. It emerged that Lucy appears to behave like a high-conflict individual. In such instances, the advice generally given is not to talk about feelings when interacting with someone in this emotional mindset as they become increasingly provoked by one’s emotive responses. Understandably, not personalizing or responding to accusations and criticisms is exceedingly challenging. Empathy and a compassionate willingness to listen to someone’s grievances without retaliatory responses is the key to better emotional containment.

This particular attunement takes practice and a readiness to recognize that this is the most salient strategy. Naturally, Ralph is annoyed and terribly hurt and wants to get to the bottom of the situation so that Lucy recognizes and admits to her rude and vindictive behavior. However, to have a relationship with his twin he must put aside his own needs for now and be somewhat compliant and conciliatory. He does not want to do this, yet he does not want to sever the connection to Lucy. He is caught in a conundrum of wanting his emotions to be validated and his anger vindicated by someone incapable of hearing or reacting to his feelings.

This sort of emotional stalemate can happen with partners, bosses, and friends. However, having this experience with a twin who had always been a primary intimate connection is a very daunting and difficult problem to accept and navigate.

Photo by Artur Voznenko on Unsplash