Psychotherapists feel gratified and delighted when a patient’s conflicts are eventually transmuted via successful treatment. Like novelists, psychotherapists relish in their patients’ happy endings, especially if the therapeutic experience involved unearthing painful traumatic events that had interfered with the patients’ happiness and self-love. Naturally, this is not always the outcome, despite our best efforts. Regardless of our predilections, we have to stay within our patient’s self-imposed limitations and goals.

I worked for a few years with a delightful young man, an identical twin in his midthirties, who suffered tremendously when his brother abandoned him to live with and eventually marry a woman he loved. While my patient eventually developed an excellent logical understanding about how and why his brother made these choices, emotionally he could not let go of his anger and resentment about his brother’s betrayal and breach of loyalty. Understandably, this stubborn, resolute behavior stirred up tremendous family conflict. Everyone wanted my patient to forget about this issue and move on, which he was unwilling or unable to do.

In the course of our work together, he managed to have his first real relationship with a woman and planned to marry her. He developed a sophisticated emotional understanding of himself and his fiancée, thanks in large part to the work that we did together. We ended our treatment with the shared understanding and acceptance that his refusal to acknowledge his twin’s wife was his choice, and no one had the right or power to make him change his mind. Of course, I supported him in this decision, although I continued to wonder what was preventing him from moving forward.

A few months ago, he emailed me with a surprising piece of news. After his wedding ceremony, he found himself spontaneously embracing his brother’s wife. For years he had avoided looking at her and went out of his way to physically stay away from her at all family gatherings because he felt anxious and uncomfortable around her.

He shared with me what had happened, knowing I would be as incredibly surprised and shocked as he was. He acknowledged that he had no idea what the future would hold, but it seemed at that moment that perhaps the spell had been broken!

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