Twins who describe themselves as best friends and who talk to each other once or multiple times a day frequently live physically distant from each other. I find this separation significantly enables their connection to thrive and endure. Not having to confront constant comparisons by outsiders and family members can be liberating and healthy.

A few months ago, I was a guest on the podcast Double Trouble, hosted by identical twin sisters Nell and Laine, who live geographically separate from each other—one in Chicago and the other in Puerto Rico. Both sisters readily admit that their relationship would be dramatically impacted if they lived closer. They recognize the insidious instinctual twin compulsion to compare themselves, so they feel relieved that their physical distance prevents this tendency from becoming burdensome and uncomfortable.

Another interesting variable in their relationship is the honest assertion that their husbands do not get along very well. So while both wish the circumstances were different, they manage the discord by seeing each other and their children without their husbands present. Rather than trying to pretend or create a fictious family harmony that will inevitably end up with hurt feelings, the four adults have agreed to take separate vacations where the wives can enjoy each other and their families without tensions between the husbands. I applaud the husbands’ capacity to handle being left out for the greater emotional good of the others.

Some twin pairs who are plagued with incessant and egregious comparisons because they live near their twin feel victimized and enraged about having to endure an endless stream of rhetoric about their differences and similarities. One woman I work with calls this the “twin gaze.” It happens when strangers or acquaintances spot her and her twin and inevitably articulate comparisons, such as “You look so much alike” or “You are heavier than your sister.”

Living a life where you are constantly compared to another can be quite challenging to say the least. Some physical distance along with a heavy dose of self-acceptance and self-love can go a long way in helping twins prevail over these situations.

Photo by Matilda Wormwood, Pexels