What a difficult dilemma it is to grow up with your twin in a childhood caretaking role that may result in emotional turmoil as you mature. Unfortunately, and yet predictably, a divergence occurs frequently as twins approach adolescence and young adulthood. It stands to reason because at this developmental juncture, outside relationships with friends and romantic partners become salient and singular. Ironically, the caretaking twin may find this conundrum more conflictual because she has put many of her own needs […]

As occurs frequently among twins, tensions escalated significantly between Jamie and her twin sister, Jackie, when Jamie began dating her first boyfriend at the age of nineteen. Jackie complained frequently that Jamie was spending too much time with her boyfriend. Jamie was torn apart emotionally. She loves her sister and is heartbroken that Jackie becomes angry and nasty when Jamie is away with her boyfriend. Intellectually speaking, Jamie knows that she is “entitled” to her romantic relationship; however, she is […]

Accepting that one’s twin does not want the same close relationship that you desire is a heartbreaking conundrum. Marlene, an identical twin woman in her late thirties, contacted me about her disappointment and sadness at her sister’s refusal to go on a trip together to celebrate their fortieth birthday. Marlene was perplexed and surprised by her sister’s flat-out refusal to join her. Marlene had organized an elaborate European vacation, specifically including a city that her twin, Mandy, has always wanted […]

I have frequently written about the emotional perils associated with twins who are required to be parental surrogates for each other. While the twin connection plays a crucial developmental role in the twins’ childhood, it can result in a chaotic and unhappy outcome for some later in life. Edith, an identical twin in her early eighties, contacted me for help in sorting through confusing feelings related to her twinship and parenting issues. She explained how her sister’s death a few […]

Many twin pairs successfully juggle jealous feelings, recognizing their disparities and living comfortably with their ambivalence. For example, “I am jealous of your financial success and I am happy you don’t have worries about money.” Or “I am jealous that your children are married and I wish them nothing but happiness.” Or “I am jealous that you are getting married before me and I am so pleased you have found love and happiness.” Authentic acknowledgment of these ambivalent feelings is […]