Accepting that one’s twin does not want the same close relationship that you desire is a heartbreaking conundrum. Marlene, an identical twin woman in her late thirties, contacted me about her disappointment and sadness at her sister’s refusal to go on a trip together to celebrate their fortieth birthday. Marlene was perplexed and surprised by her sister’s flat-out refusal to join her. Marlene had organized an elaborate European vacation, specifically including a city that her twin, Mandy, has always wanted […]

I have frequently written about the emotional perils associated with twins who are required to be parental surrogates for each other. While the twin connection plays a crucial developmental role in the twins’ childhood, it can result in a chaotic and unhappy outcome for some later in life. Edith, an identical twin in her early eighties, contacted me for help in sorting through confusing feelings related to her twinship and parenting issues. She explained how her sister’s death a few […]

Many twin pairs successfully juggle jealous feelings, recognizing their disparities and living comfortably with their ambivalence. For example, “I am jealous of your financial success and I am happy you don’t have worries about money.” Or “I am jealous that your children are married and I wish them nothing but happiness.” Or “I am jealous that you are getting married before me and I am so pleased you have found love and happiness.” Authentic acknowledgment of these ambivalent feelings is […]

Twins attract attention whether they like it or not. If parents insist on dressing them the same, the identically clad children are magnets for comments and stares. I have been fascinated to learn how differently twins respond to this attentiveness as they get older. The outcome appears to be predicated upon each one’s specific role in the dyad. An identical twin female in her thirties (Agnes) relates that her sister was the outgoing, gregarious twin who thrived on attention and […]

Flinging accusations and criticisms often occurs at the beginning of couples counseling. Both parties want the opportunity to air their grievances and hurts. The back-and-forth exchange allows for deeper issues to emerge eventually. A pair of identical twin women in their thirties contacted me because both felt they could no longer stand to be in the presence of the other. One accused the other of being pretentious and selfish, while her sister countered that her sister’s thoughts and beliefs were […]