Many twin pairs successfully juggle jealous feelings, recognizing their disparities and living comfortably with their ambivalence. For example, “I am jealous of your financial success and I am happy you don’t have worries about money.” Or “I am jealous that your children are married and I wish them nothing but happiness.” Or “I am jealous that you are getting married before me and I am so pleased you have found love and happiness.” Authentic acknowledgment of these ambivalent feelings is […]

Twins attract attention whether they like it or not. If parents insist on dressing them the same, the identically clad children are magnets for comments and stares. I have been fascinated to learn how differently twins respond to this attentiveness as they get older. The outcome appears to be predicated upon each one’s specific role in the dyad. An identical twin female in her thirties (Agnes) relates that her sister was the outgoing, gregarious twin who thrived on attention and […]

Flinging accusations and criticisms often occurs at the beginning of couples counseling. Both parties want the opportunity to air their grievances and hurts. The back-and-forth exchange allows for deeper issues to emerge eventually. A pair of identical twin women in their thirties contacted me because both felt they could no longer stand to be in the presence of the other. One accused the other of being pretentious and selfish, while her sister countered that her sister’s thoughts and beliefs were […]

In many of my cases in which enmeshment has been the primary issue, the twin connection has intensified owing to insufficient parental involvement. However, recently I had the opportunity to speak to parents of twenty-eight-year-old identical twin men who admitted to an overinvolvement in their sons’ lives. More than likely, this ongoing entanglement magnified the twins’ enmeshment. The two men are the only children in the family. They are smart, handsome, and socially appropriate with other adults on a superficial […]

For a twin who has functioned as a lifelong caretaker, embracing the notion of “healthy selfishness” can take quite a while. Attempting to figure out what it means and what it feels like can involve many hours of therapy and soul-searching. A twin whose major identity has been predicated upon living for another finds it incredibly difficult to all of a sudden begin to embrace life for oneself on one’s own terms. If the caretaking behavior has been interrupted by […]