In my work with adult twins, I often notice a tendency to manage conflict by engaging a third party. For example, an adult man channels his contempt for his brother by communicating this feeling to his twin’s wife. He seems not to understand that this puts his sister-in-law in a bind. Should she be loyal to her husband or to her brother-in-law? Another young identical twin man introduces a female friend to his brother. Unbeknownst to him, the brother develops […]

How refreshing it is to write about a mom who understands what her identical twin sons need. Much of her success is rooted in the healthy relationship that she has with her identical twin sister. What moved me when we were chatting was how often she emphasized that her sister gave her space so as not to impinge upon or interfere with her happiness or success. Although they live miles apart, their strong emotional bond and easy intimacy allows them […]

Many parents of monozygotic twins recognize the importance of not dressing them identically. They often decide to dress the twins in different colors to simplify shopping and make it easier for others to identify who is whom. However, around the age of two to three years, children become keen to make decisions for themselves. Naturally, this developmental need for self-determination can lead to unintended conflicts. One solution for parents is giving the twins some control over choosing their own clothing. […]

When twins write to me about not having contact with their sibling for a long time, they usually display shame, surprise, sadness, and anger. In some instances, the separation is gradual; at other times, it appears to happen out of the blue. Regardless of the timing, I am often struck by these twins’ unfathomable reactions. They are confused about why animosity and resentment exists in the twinship. They often demonstrate an unsophisticated mindset and an oblivious attitude about their own […]

Competition among siblings is integral to most families. Our natural instinct is to survive and thrive. Many twin pairs, however, have a different experience with sibling rivalry and competitiveness because of their intimate relationship. While twins fight just as much—or possibly more—than nontwin siblings, their feelings about surpassing or outdoing their twin can be conflicting and confusing. More often than not, identical twins that compete in the same sport are wholly supportive of and noncompetitive with their sibling. Often they […]