During this pandemic, I spoke with many parents who asked for advice about managing twins who collaborate to thwart parental expectations. One mom of fifteen-year-old identical twin girls told me that she cannot get more than two words in before they shout her down and shut her out. While this behavior was exacerbated by the girls’ isolation from everyone except their family, the mom explained that this habit of ganging up started a few years ago. During adolescence, the developmental […]

When twins separate, the deserted sibling wants his brother to feel exactly as he does—miserable, angry, and annihilated. Perhaps this expectation evolves from the abandoned twin’s conviction that he and his brother think and feel exactly alike. However, his sibling has moved on and pledged allegiance to an outsider. The forsaken twin is lost, blindsided, and unprepared for the onslaught of unfamiliar feelings. The discovery of his brother’s desertion rocks his world. In reality, the emotions of each twin are […]

Parents of twins face a challenging dilemma in attempting to establish equitability between twins who have strikingly different temperaments, needs, and personalities. At times, the twin who appears more laid-back, self-contained, and independent begins to resent his twin sibling who actively and aggressively demands considerable time and attention. Unhappy about the competitiveness with his twin, the “quieter” one devises methods to get recognition and validation. This child might experiment by exhibiting obstinate, stubborn, or controlling behavior. He may become a […]

Many young-adult twins live together out of necessity or by choice. Their situation appears to work well until a change in one twin’s circumstances disrupts the twin dynamic, causing disharmony or disparity. For instance, one begins to date seriously, one achieves significant financial success, or one finds his own social group that does not include his twin. A twenty-seven-year-old man whom I shall call Michael confides that he is at his wit’s end trying to care for his twin, Bruce. […]

Over the last few months, many twin pairs consulted me for help with their relationship. As we delved into the presenting problems and underlying issues, we discovered that both siblings struggled to accept that their childhood expectations of equality did not match the reality of their divergent adult lives. For many reasons, one of the twins inevitably felt dismissed, unimportant, and left out because she no longer played an integral role in her sister’s life. As one woman told me, […]