When twins write to me about not having contact with their sibling for a long time, they usually display shame, surprise, sadness, and anger. In some instances, the separation is gradual; at other times, it appears to happen out of the blue. Regardless of the timing, I am often struck by these twins’ unfathomable reactions. They are confused about why animosity and resentment exists in the twinship. They often demonstrate an unsophisticated mindset and an oblivious attitude about their own […]

Competition among siblings is integral to most families. Our natural instinct is to survive and thrive. Many twin pairs, however, have a different experience with sibling rivalry and competitiveness because of their intimate relationship. While twins fight just as much—or possibly more—than nontwin siblings, their feelings about surpassing or outdoing their twin can be conflicting and confusing. More often than not, identical twins that compete in the same sport are wholly supportive of and noncompetitive with their sibling. Often they […]

During this pandemic, I spoke with many parents who asked for advice about managing twins who collaborate to thwart parental expectations. One mom of fifteen-year-old identical twin girls told me that she cannot get more than two words in before they shout her down and shut her out. While this behavior was exacerbated by the girls’ isolation from everyone except their family, the mom explained that this habit of ganging up started a few years ago. During adolescence, the developmental […]

When twins separate, the deserted sibling wants his brother to feel exactly as he does—miserable, angry, and annihilated. Perhaps this expectation evolves from the abandoned twin’s conviction that he and his brother think and feel exactly alike. However, his sibling has moved on and pledged allegiance to an outsider. The forsaken twin is lost, blindsided, and unprepared for the onslaught of unfamiliar feelings. The discovery of his brother’s desertion rocks his world. In reality, the emotions of each twin are […]

Parents of twins face a challenging dilemma in attempting to establish equitability between twins who have strikingly different temperaments, needs, and personalities. At times, the twin who appears more laid-back, self-contained, and independent begins to resent his twin sibling who actively and aggressively demands considerable time and attention. Unhappy about the competitiveness with his twin, the “quieter” one devises methods to get recognition and validation. This child might experiment by exhibiting obstinate, stubborn, or controlling behavior. He may become a […]