Most of us experienced many emotional ups and downs during these long months of separation from loved ones or “too much togetherness” with our families. One bright spot for me amid this psychological mayhem was a conversation I had with an identical twin gentleman in his midthirties whom I had not spoken with in almost a year. He shared how spending more time alone induced positive changes in his outlook on life and on himself. The quarantine helped him reframe […]

Different-age siblings often have conflicting views about their brothers’ and sisters’ choices and viewpoints. Twins, however, may exhibit especially uncompromising attitudes when their perspectives are at odds with one another: “How can you date this guy? He’s much older, divorced, and has six children! What’s gotten into you?” I have witnessed this situation time and time again. Many adult twins contact me for help with their frustration and sadness when their sibling does not concur with them about particular personal […]

A mother of seventeen-year-old identical twin girls recently contacted me for advice about helping her daughters rebound from repeated social calamities. She described a pattern that started when the twins were in the ninth grade: the girls would be happily accepted by a social group, then inexplicably excluded. Sometimes they were given a lame explanation; but for the most part, the rejection seemed swift and unexpected. Naturally, both girls were upset and puzzled about why this keeps happening to them. […]

Learning how to be tolerant and open to disparate points of view is not easy or simplistic. Many people deliberately avoid discussions about politics, sex, or religion because such conversations evoke passionate and steadfast feelings and beliefs. But learning how to manage disagreements and divergent perspectives is vital for all of us in our intimate relationships because most of us—even identical twins—will not always be in agreement about significant decisions, actions, or opinions. When adult twins do not have sufficient […]

This is a familiar lament I hear again and again in my encounters with twins. The individuals I have worked with who confront this conundrum have not been able to separate comfortably from their twin. A tumultuous history of mutual dependence, struggle, and resentment has rendered the twins incapable of communicating authentically. Their ambivalent behaviors toward one another—a push-pull struggle—keep them connected via distrust and guilt. An adult twin in her early forties shared her experiences. She told me that […]