When my children were young, we often read books from a series called the Berenstain Bears. The series included titles such as Too Much Birthday, Visit the Dentist, Trouble with Money, and Mama’s New Job. Each book addresses developmental challenges such as getting accustomed to a new baby, family and peer relationships, and the ethics of expectable social behaviors such as tantrums, name calling, and bullying. A recent session with an adult identical twin reminded me of a particular Berenstain […]

A parent of three-year-old fraternal twin boys recently asked me for advice about toilet training. She and her husband disagree about how this should be managed. Parents experience successful toilet training as an important developmental milestone, and rightfully so. The transition from diapers to toilet paper is a significant step toward autonomy. However, as with all developmental markers, we must treat each child according to his or her individual circumstances. As a psychotherapist, I disagreed with her husband’s desire to […]

Research on attachment consistently shows that our experiences with our parents influence how we raise our own children. As I have noted previously in my many blog posts and books, many twin pairs had minimal parental connections and consequently had to “parent” each other. I have worked for many months with an identical twin in her forties. Two ongoing issues prompted her to get in touch with me: a longstanding rift with her twin and the tumultuous, treacherous behavior of […]

I recently consulted with two mothers of twins who were seeking to understand why they have felt persistent guilt since giving birth a few years ago. In both cases, the twin pregnancy was spontaneous and natural with no fertility issues. Initially, neither mom relished the idea of having twins. Both felt robbed of the traditional rituals and experiences that normally accompany the birth of a singleton. One mom was enormously disappointed that her longing for a vaginal birth was frustrated […]

Many parents of twins ask me about buying gifts for birthdays and other special occasions. They want to ensure that they treat their twins fairly and let both children know they are loved equally. Buying identical gifts may seem like the perfect way to do this, but parents should realize that their attempt to be equalizers may send twins unrealistic or unhealthy messages. Most of us naturally give our nontwin children presents that reflect their talents, skills, and interests—but in […]