Having two same-age children makes relating to each one individually a challenge. Of course, that is the vital task for parents raising twins. We may be naturally inclined to identify more with one twin than the other because they are very different children. At times, we might identify with the one who is more like us or perhaps with the one who is less like us. Whichever is the case, being aware of our predilections is important so we can […]
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If Truth Be Told . . .
Same-sex couples raising singletons or twins face the predicament of eventually talking about donor eggs or sperm. While some couples may choose not to divulge any information, others are convinced that providing an honest explanation when developmentally appropriate is the healthiest way to handle their children’s questions about their birth and biological heritage. While travelling home from Asia a few weeks ago, I met a gay couple who are bringing up three children—a pair of boy-girl twins and a younger […]
Limelight, Love, and Singularity
A father of twins raised a poignant dilemma during one of my presentations. He feels terribly uncomfortable praising one twin for his special talent and not being able to do the same for his other son. Specifically, he is uncomfortable complimenting one son’s musical skills because his brother does not demonstrate the same proficiency. He feels guilty and unclear about treating each one differently. That this dad equates praising one son as diminishing the other illustrates how much this father […]
Pathological Accommodation
When I first read about a psychological process called pathological accommodation during my psychoanalytic training, I was struck by how it might also be useful in understanding some aspects of twin relationships. The concept originated out of the work of psychoanalyst Dr. Bernard Brandchaft. Dr. Shelley Doctors, another prominent psychoanalyst, describes how to understand this dynamic in terms of the mother-infant dyad: A person, likely from infancy onward, learns essentially to erase him- or herself in order to have a […]
Defeat or Differentiation
We often hear about twins who cocreate thriving businesses together. The Property Brothers, for instance, are a prosperous twin brand that capitalizes on their twinship to promote lucrative television and real-estate deals. The Olsen twins launched a successful fashion line in their adulthood, making the most of their notoriety as television and movie stars in their younger years. Many other twin pairs have launched productive careers together as artists, writers, businessmen and -women, and athletes. Twin pairs who are unable […]