My short presentation at the Budapest conference for the International Twin Society for Twin Studies and the World Congress of Twin Pregnancies conveyed my habitual passionate views about what twins require to become healthy individuals. I talked a bit about how parents struggle to differentiate and bond with two babies. Despite our best efforts, we default to labeling rather than describing each child. I am as guilty as the next person of labeling as it provides a shorthand communication that […]
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Attachment Woes
Many who did not experience a secure attachment with their primary caretaker struggle with recognizing their potential. Having missed out on “good enough” affect attunement and mirroring, they tend to devalue their strengths and minimize their role in perpetuating conflict and feeling victimized. A recent session with an identical twin gentleman in his sixties evoked these thoughts. Blaine (not his real name) was in therapy with different clinicians for many years. He appeared to be trapped in a cycle of […]
Black-and-White Thinking
After speaking with a client recently, I reflected on why many of us resort to black-and-white thinking when we feel conflicted about our own needs. Twins are especially prone to this conundrum because their lifelong dyadic relationship informs so much of what they do and how they think. Having a same-age significant other constantly sharing and comparing life experiences can dramatically impair one’s ability to see beyond a two-dimensional perspective. Getting stuck in an all-or-nothing thought pattern leaves little room […]
When Does Being Needed Become a Liability?
I frequently point out that twins cannot be surrogate parents for one another; in other words, children cannot be parented by a same-age sibling. So I plead, ad nauseam, for parents to spend one-on-one time with each twin whenever possible and nurture their attachment to each child individually, not dyadically. Some twin pairs who spent their childhood needing each other struggle with recognizing their independent selves. In fact, their identities are contingent on providing the essential roles of caregiver and cared […]
Parenting Is a Family Business
A few weeks ago, I attended a two-day conference in New York City sponsored by the World of Business Ideas. Many of the speakers emphasized the socioemotional components that nurture successful corporate leadership and well-functioning management teams. As a psychologist, I recognized that many of the issues they discussed were relevant to parenting. For example, one of the speakers talked about emotional triggers. He described them as hijackings of the amygdala. A vital part of parenting as well as corporate […]