A mother of 15-year-old fraternal twin girls came to see me because she was concerned that the verbal and physical fighting between her daughters had escalated to a frightening degree. She told me that Elsa and Avery have always been close. She described Elsa as the easygoing twin who has habitually complied with and tolerated the overbearing behavior of her sister, Avery. But the girls’ attitudes and roles have shifted within the last few months. Avery has become increasingly […]
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Twins Want to Win, Not Compromise
Learning how to be tolerant and open to disparate points of view is not easy or simplistic. Many people deliberately avoid discussions about politics, sex, or religion because such conversations evoke passionate and steadfast feelings and beliefs. But learning how to manage disagreements and divergent perspectives is vital for all of us in our intimate relationships because most of us—even identical twins—will not always be in agreement about significant decisions, actions, or opinions. When adult twins do not have sufficient […]
Can Envy Be Benign?
A recent article in the New Yorker magazine discussed and defined the meaning of benign envy. Often people can be confused about the essential difference between jealousy and envy. My definitions are as follows: jealousy is an expectable feeling in response to wanting what someone has or is—a higher-paying job, a better figure, a bigger house, an expensive car, etc.; envy is coveting what the other person has and feeling enormous resentment, rage, and ill will concerning that individual’s accomplishments, […]
When One Twin Feels Victimized
Parents of twins face a challenging dilemma in attempting to establish equitability between twins who have strikingly different temperaments, needs, and personalities. At times, the twin who appears more laid-back, self-contained, and independent begins to resent his twin sibling who actively and aggressively demands considerable time and attention. Unhappy about the competitiveness with his twin, the “quieter” one devises methods to get recognition and validation. This child might experiment by exhibiting obstinate, stubborn, or controlling behavior. He may become a […]
A Beautiful Story
A few weeks ago, a producer from Iowa Public Radio asked me to participate in a show about adult twins. She was doing a feature about the pair of identical-twin brothers who won the most-identical-looking-twins contest for adults over 18 years old at the Iowa State Fair. The producer, a fraternal twin herself, interviewed the 32-year-old brothers about their twin experiences. Both men are teachers and coaches at the same high school. They live close to one another and both […]