A mother of thirteen-year-old fraternal twin girls asked my advice about how to help the “cared for” twin develop more independence and self-confidence. The mother remarked that both she and her husband give one twin special attention because she appears insecure and clingy. To their surprise, I suggested that they devote more time and attention to the “caretaker twin” because she may not be getting what she needs in terms of parental emotional investment. Often, a child who is raised […]
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The Intersection of Our Past and Present
Speaking to a lovely group of twin moms a few months ago, I was struck by a dilemma plaguing one of the mothers. She related that, contrary to her own personal beliefs, her husband is passionately opposed to the idea that it is healthier for twins to be differentiated. He believes their six-year-old fraternal sons should wear the exact same clothes, and he does not see the value of spending alone time with each boy. He feels that the twin […]
Twin Loss: Tragic and Terrifying
I have been working with a middle-aged woman whose twin brother died suddenly and unexpectedly a few years ago. It has taken her a long time to find the right therapist to help her work through her loss. She tried attending various grief groups; however, her disappointment and anger about not finding anyone who could intrinsically understand the loss as it related to the twin relationship made the process all the more difficult, painful, and prolonged. She appreciated e-mail exchanges […]
Viva la Diferencia: Not in Cuba!
I was so very fortunate to have an informal talk with Dr. Beatriz Marcheco-Teruel when I visited Havana last month. Dr. Marcheco-Teruel established and directs the Cuban Twin Registry. She described how she trained workers to do outreach in many Cuban provinces to record twin births and to determine zygosity, birthing practices, and birth order. She told me that the majority of twin births in Cuba occur naturally as opposed to by cesarean section. She also mentioned that it would […]
Can’t Live with Her; Can’t Live without Her
This is a familiar lament I hear again and again in my encounters with twins. The individuals I have worked with who confront this conundrum have not been able to separate comfortably from their twin. A tumultuous history of mutual dependence, struggle, and resentment has rendered the twins incapable of communicating authentically. Their ambivalent behaviors toward one another—a push-pull struggle—keep them connected via distrust and guilt. An adult twin in her early forties shared her experiences. She told me that […]