Learning how to be tolerant and open to disparate points of view is not easy or simplistic. Many people deliberately avoid discussions about politics, sex, or religion because such conversations evoke passionate and steadfast feelings and beliefs. But learning how to manage disagreements and divergent perspectives is vital for all of us in our intimate relationships because most of us—even identical twins—will not always be in agreement about significant decisions, actions, or opinions. When adult twins do not have sufficient […]
Category Archives: Conflict
Sibling Rivalry: It’s Never out of Fashion
A recent post on Facebook by a mother asking for advice about handling her twins’ constant arguing generated more than one hundred comments. I read through most of the responses, looking for recurrent themes, thoughts, or threads. Curiously, a number of adult twins wrote that fighting among twins is normal and not to worry. Parents posted concerns about biting, hitting, verbal and physical aggression, and incessant bickering. The post prompted me to reread a book published more than fifteen years […]
Happiness Is in the Remembering
Psychologist Daniel Kahneman has coined a few terms to distinguish between the “experiencing self” and the “remembering self.” He believes that what we remember resonates more strongly than what we experience. Jennifer Senior, author of All Joy and No Fun, borrows this perspective to explain the discrepancy between parental discontent about the day-to-day drudgery of taking care of children and the indescribable joy and rewards of raising children. She writes, “It may not be the happiness we live day to […]
I Always Think First About What Is Best for Both of Us
9Instead of thinking how lovely it is that twins care so much about each other, when I hear a sentiment such as the one above, I worry. I imagine the overly dependent relationship that most likely exists between the twins. What may begin as a compatible, caretaking, and harmonious twin attachment can turn into a relationship where one or both twins feels trapped and powerless and yet clueless and fearful about change. At some point, one twin usually desires more freedom […]
My London Trip
Recently, I had the honor of hosting a dim sum tea for three of the most distinguished twin experts in London. Collectively these three have contributed a vast body of knowledge about twin psychology in their respective books. Audrey Sandbank, editor of Twin and Triplet Psychology and author of Twins and the Family is a psychotherapist who previously worked with twins and their families. At present, she specializes in the treatment of anxiety in children and is creating an app to […]