Twins who describe themselves as best friends and who talk to each other once or multiple times a day frequently live physically distant from each other. I find this separation significantly enables their connection to thrive and endure. Not having to confront constant comparisons by outsiders and family members can be liberating and healthy. A few months ago, I was a guest on the podcast Double Trouble, hosted by identical twin sisters Nell and Laine, who live geographically separate from […]

Some of my consultations are for only one or two sessions. In those situations, I am not often privy to how matters work out. Were the insights and suggestions that emerged helpful? In some cases, no significant or concrete ideas are discussed. Rather, the session is an experience between me and one person or between a twin couple. Having a safe space to share your feelings and concerns often lays the foundation for relating to your sibling with a new […]

Twins often assume, perhaps inexplicably, that their same-age sibling thinks and feels exactly as they do. For instance, one twin might think, “I’m worried about X, so my sister must be worried too” or “I feel sad about Y; therefore, she must feel the same way.” This type of assumption often extends to guilt and other emotions: “I feel guilty about Z, and so must she.” The caretaking twin, often filled with compassion, empathy, and forgiveness, may cling to the […]

I have counseled many twins whose siblings were born with medical challenges. Even after these issues are resolved, the “healthier” twin often carries an enormous emotional burden, struggling with guilt, obligation, or resentment. Recently, I spoke with a female identical twin in her 50s, whom I will call Lily. She had been feeling unusually depressed, unmotivated, and sad—emotions that are uncharacteristic for her. She expressed confusion and self-loathing about her lack of motivation for self-care and a diminished interest in […]

What can happen when male identical twins grow up without developing an emotional connection? That is, while they shared academic and other activities as children, they did not exchange feelings or emotions about themselves or their relationship. Neither felt that anything was missing as this dynamic seemed normal to them. When they became adults and formed outside interests and romantic relationships, the twin connection could not survive because the brothers had not developed any tools to understand or make room […]