For a twin who has functioned as a lifelong caretaker, embracing the notion of “healthy selfishness” can take quite a while. Attempting to figure out what it means and what it feels like can involve many hours of therapy and soul-searching. A twin whose major identity has been predicated upon living for another finds it incredibly difficult to all of a sudden begin to embrace life for oneself on one’s own terms. If the caretaking behavior has been interrupted by […]

Twins who are surrogate parents for each other play a vital role in the absence of attuned adult caretakers. They ensure each other’s emotional stability for the majority of their formative years. Depending upon individual circumstances, the outcome can be positive or detrimental. I have worked with both male and female twin pairs who attribute their emotional survival to their twinship. This loving and precious connection can be tested when both twins acknowledge without rancor that this ongoing arrangement no […]

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post entitled “I Don’t Want to Be Your Twin Anymore.” It was about my first meeting with 85-year-old identical twin women who sought help to figure out why their relationship had become so contentious and ugly. Couples therapy can work miracles when both participants long for change and harmony. In our second session together, both women demonstrated how beautifully transformations can happen when people have open hearts and open minds. In our first […]

Twins who have parented each other in the absence of reliable and available adult caretakers develop a unique style of communicating and being in the world. They are a closed societal unit interacting primarily with each other. They are left affectually adrift and abandoned. Nonetheless, they create a mutually sophisticated dyadic level of relating that is authentic and supportive. They emotionally sustain each other until outside resources become available. A pair of identical twin women in their midtwenties suffered with […]

Why did 85-year-old identical twin sisters decide to repudiate their twinship? The explanation is both complicated and simple. The simple version is that both women have not been able to accept their personality differences. Marlene said, “I was always embarrassed by Mabel’s loud and boisterous presence. I was so relieved to get married and move away so that I would no longer have to live with her.” Marlene and Mabel have accused each other of being abusive and unreasonable. What […]