Many twins have limited access to their inner feelings because of the expectable emotional disruption triggered by growing up alongside a same-age sibling. Until they experience a developmental change or environmental shift, they do not realize that they have missed out on opportunities to acknowledge their gut feelings. Many twins maintain compatibility in the twinship by accommodating their sibling’s needs. So, if one twin has grown up believing that emotional equilibrium is best managed by ceding control to the other, […]

I have the privilege of working long term with several young-adult twins who are enmeshed. In many of these situations, the parents are either ineffectual or absent. One pair of identical female twins stands out because of their almost absolute dependence on one another. Ironically, they came from a large family and were the youngest of five children. Nonetheless, they seemed to grow up emotionally isolated from their siblings and parents. When the girls were adolescents, the older children were […]

I recently listened to a podcast in which a guest spoke about envying her brother’s financial success. The host advised the caller to “follow the envy”—in other words, to recognize this feeling as an indication of what she wants for herself and to come to grips with why she has not accomplished those desires. I was struck by the relevance of this advice to twin relationships. Individuals often feel that envy is a pernicious feeling that evokes shame and self-loathing. […]

I frequently hear from moms looking for help with their adult twins. In most instances, the issues involve one sibling doing better than the other. The mom feels particularly conflicted when one twin is thriving while the other is struggling. Her desire to equalize the situation is understandable. However, her intervention may actually polarize the state of affairs even further. The mom’s well-intentioned efforts to help her discontented daughter may result in both girls feeling unhappy and undermined. While this […]

I am working with a father (not of twins!) who has difficulty managing his reactions when his three-year-old daughter has expectable childhood accidents. One time, she hit her head on a table while he was watching her. Another time, she got a splinter in her hand while playing with a friend outside. Neither of these situations called for a doctor or an emergency room visit. His daughter was initially scared after she bumped her head, but she promptly recovered. The […]