A colleague of mine (“J”), who lost her identical twin to cancer about four years ago, shared some interesting insights after she attended a sibling grief group. She has participated in several twinless-twin groups for many years. As a professional interested in learning more about her loss, she became curious about how nontwin siblings experience and manage their grief. An important backstory is that J and her sister, like many other twin pairs, grew up without adequate maternal attention. J […]

The different roles and functions that twins play for each other are powerful and poignant. Talk to parents of twins and you will hear them recount story after story about how their children were best friends, looked out for each other, soothed and protected each other, and pined for their sibling when they were separated. Of course, witnessing these loving and devoted behaviors in young twins cements an indelible expectation of ongoing, lifelong twin love. Unfortunately, this perspective obliterates the […]

The inability of twins to get along has many possible explanations—for example, complications with a twin’s significant other, a twin’s mental illness or emotional instability, unabated competitive rivalry, parental favoritism of one twin over the other. What underlies all these issues is the siblings’ profound grief and sadness about the loss of their twinness. Their shared childhood fantasies and aspirations are shattered. These imagined scenarios and hopes cannot be fulfilled by anyone else. One young woman sobbed inconsolably about not […]

A few months ago, a lovely couple contacted me seeking guidance about their four-year-old identical twin boys. The parents reported that the boys’ daycare teachers had informed them that their sons were not listening nor cooperating appropriately. Naturally, Mom and Dad were concerned and attempted to get more clarification about these behavioral issues. As our discussion progressed, it occurred to me that two salient factors were at play: first, the daycare center workers had no experience with or understanding about […]

I am sensitive to the fact that wedding plans may evoke and reawaken old as well as present family discord. There are delicate issues to decide upon, such as who will be included and who won’t be invited. Most of the time, siblings are an integral part of the celebration if their relationships are congenial. However, if they are absent from the festivities, it does not appear to be as problematic as a twin not attending her twin’s nuptials. Why […]