Many twins will tell you that losing a twin is unlike other sibling losses. The depth and power of the twin bond that has grown over a lifetime cannot be duplicated by any other intimate connection. Their lives of shared experiences—both positive and negative—are embedded in their collective DNA. I was speaking a few days ago to a young man in his thirties whose identical twin passed away about a month ago. His death was unexpected because his cancer had […]

A young woman in her thirties, whom I will call Martha, grew up in a volatile household. Her twin, Marsha, was her security, safety, and protection from an abusive mother and nasty older sisters. Martha was devoted to her twin and never entertained the notion that one day Marsha would want or need space from her. This unexpected predicament occurred after they graduated from high school. Martha had assumed they would live together and attend the same university. So she […]

Contrary to stereotypical depictions, not everyone reveres twins. In fact, because many twin pairs receive a lot of attention and are regarded as special, often others express their envy or distaste by being mean and disrespectful. Instances such as these are not new to me. Parents have shared similar concerns when they have contacted me for advice about both male and female twin pairs. Some twins who find themselves in these situations understandably stand together to defend against threats. An […]

Many of the current attachment theories highlight the importance of self and interactive regulation between child and caregiver. In this mutual recognition regulatory sphere, the child feels mirrored, comforted, and validated. Over time this self and other regulatory system enables the child to feel confident about taking care of himself because he has internalized parental caretaking responses that give rise to his self-confidence and self-reliance. Some twins, on the other hand, have not had this vital parental regulating experience. They […]

What a difficult dilemma it is to grow up with your twin in a childhood caretaking role that may result in emotional turmoil as you mature. Unfortunately, and yet predictably, a divergence occurs frequently as twins approach adolescence and young adulthood. It stands to reason because at this developmental juncture, outside relationships with friends and romantic partners become salient and singular. Ironically, the caretaking twin may find this conundrum more conflictual because she has put many of her own needs […]