Many twins make successful adjustments when attending the same college. However, I often hear stories about unhappy twin pairs who go to the same university.

In most of these cases, little or no thought has been given to the needs of both twins. While there may have been a fleeting notion about considering different universities, the idea is oftentimes dismissed or characterized as unimportant or frivolous. Also, many parents leave the decision-making up to the twins themselves rather than take a more proactive stance.

Parents need to probe or be mindful about their twins’ dynamics. For example, one twin may want to separate but is too guilt-ridden or ashamed to express a need that might make her sister uncomfortable. She feels selfish and entitled. So she accepts the joint decision but does harbor deep reservations and resentments about how this arrangement may interfere with what she had hoped her college experiences might be.

Parents may have their own agenda. For instance, if they feel that one twin will need the support and comfort of her sister, they may encourage the twins to go to the same university, not aware of or deliberately ignoring the fact that the more independent twin will resent this arrangement. Being oblivious to the twinship’s tenor creates poor decision-making by the parents because the distinct needs and personalities of the two individuals are not being considered.

Unfortunately for one family that I know, their twins’ contentious interpersonal relationship while growing up is being repeated and lived out again at college. Each constantly complains that her sister is a tremendous burden and drain. One says to the other, “You cannot use me or need me if you are feeling bad or upset. I do not want you to be a part of my friend group. If I see you around campus I will not sit with you or be alone with you.”

Their situation together last year was a nightmare for both—the needier twin feeling consistently rebuffed and rejected by her sister and the sister feeling enraged about being put in situations where her twin demanded that she be included and cared for. The vengeful feelings that erupt between them are vicious and sad. I’m hoping that they can develop the ability to respect each other’s boundaries, which will foster a friendlier and healthier atmosphere in the coming year.

Photo by Andrea Petra Fogas, Pixabay