Twins Having Twins

Question

I found your website through a mother of multiples website, and I was hoping you could help me with a question. I haven’t been able to find any resources on how to handle a situation like mine. I am an identical twin and my husband and I are expecting twin boys in the next few weeks. The issue is that I have no relationship with my twin sister. I’m not sure how to communicate to the boys that having a “bad” twin experience will help me be a better mother to our twin boys. I’ve learned from my parents’ mistakes and am committed to treating them as individuals, letting them have their own friends and activities, and not assigning labels or making them compete for attention. Still, how do I encourage them to have a good relationship with each other given my situation?

Answer

We had the boys in August and they are doing great. They are so different – they hardly seem like brothers! And my family has actually been really good about not pushing the issue about my relationship with my twin sister. I loved your book. I really liked how you explained that the bond with the parents is the most important thing and that twins should not be parenting one another. And I’ve been giving one baby to my mother in law 2 afternoons a week so we can each have some one on one time. Thanks again for your advice. I really appreciate it and very much enjoyed the book.

Teen Twins

Question

I’m 17 years old, and I do not know if we’re identical or fraternal… but I believe that I am a fraternal twin. We’re the only kids in my family, so I guess we get enough attention and care. I do feel stressed sometimes about being a twin. I think this started when we entered high school, since my grades started to drop and she is always the “smart one.” Yet, I understand our difference and I tend to have more friends. And also, we started to fight a lot when I got a boyfriend and when she got hers… I guess it’s because of jealousy and also we’re so close with each other…

Answer

Twin siblings are often torn between their love and loyalty to one another and their resentment and frustration. Twin siblings feel very guilty and confused about having such strong and conflicting feelings toward the person they love more than anyone else. It makes absolute sense that you and your sister experience bouts of jealousy in relation to the boyfriend issues. Twins are often compared, and they have to work hard to maintain a balance with each other so that their feelings of connection remain intact. Twins long to be known as individuals rather than just noticed because they are twins.

Separate Bedrooms

Question

I read your book and realized so many things that I had never thought about before. I am truly one of those mothers who have enjoyed the attention of having two adorable girls dressed alike. I see that my girls are not comfortable in groups of children. They cling to one another and do not interact. The other day I took one daughter to a birthday party because her sister was ill. The daughter with me would not leave my side and missed all of the fun and activities. My daughters are almost 3 1/2. They have always shared a bedroom (we have 3 spare bedrooms). We have not had a lot of 1 on 1 time (although we have tried). I want to change these areas. They like being together and sharing a bedroom. How do I get them ready to move into separate bedrooms and pull this off with the least amount of pain?

Answer

It is never too late to initiate alone time. However, you must be prepared for protests and tears! The girls might initially resist this change because they are not accustomed to it. With time it is more than likely that you and the girls will come to cherish the alone time and make it an important part of your lives. As they begin to feel more comfortable on their own, you can begin to talk about their separate activities and time with you and then gradually move to more separateness as time goes on. The key is introducing it slowly in tolerable dosages so that the girls do not experience overwhelming separation anxiety or trauma. You will get cues from them as to how they are adjusting. As time goes by you can make decisions for them that will help them tolerate being separate. You will begin to see how much they enjoy being away from one another and having you all to themselves – one at a time.

Young Adult Twins

Question

I came across your website and resonated with some of the issues posted their concerning my daughters. My daughters, “identical” twins, are just about to turn 20. Both are rather insecure. I never noticed them being particularly clingy to one another as young children. In late middle school, one became determined to be her own person and essentially went off and formed her own relationships and dropped her sister. She would never invite her sister to come along and actually seemed to not want to spend any time with her. They don’t overtly fight. The dropped one was more dominant and controlling and was the first to request that they no longer share a bedroom (this was always left as an option for them.) This remains the pattern to date and the dropped one pines for her sister. She has struggled greatly with depression, loneliness and feelings of low self worth. None of the therapists seem to have done much with the twin issue and they have never been willing to sit down with someone together. It’s always seemed to be a can of worms that both were afraid to talk about, but would instead act out.

Answer

I appreciate your insight and concern about your daughters. It is so often the case that the “dominant” twin has tremendous difficulty coping without having someone else to control or take care of. It is almost as if the twinship pattern has organized each one’s personality to such an extent that both girls are having difficulty adjusting to these changes that undoubtedly occur during this developmental stage. I agree that treatment for both girls would be a gift and a necessity to help them work through these delicate issues.

Twins are not equal

Question

We have twin boys who are 10 years old. They have always played football, basketball and baseball. They have always been on the same team, every sport they have played… I am sure you can see where this is going. We found out on Sunday, one made the team and one did not. And let me tell you, my feelings of hurt and devastation are worse than when they were born and spent 3 weeks in the NICU! I am overcome with this sense of failure, almost like this is our fault we put them in this situation. And then I flip to the other side where I almost think this is good for them, to have this experience now so they will be prepared for life down the road. Do we take one child off the team for his brother’s sake? We know that is not the logical answer, but we can’t live like this in our household.

Answer

Life for twins cannot be equal or fair – you will look back on this conundrum and experience it as an important milestone in the boys’ emotional development, especially since they are becoming adolescents. I know that it is horribly painful to see one of the boys suffering – but try to see these circumstances as a blessing in the sense that it is not fair or healthy for either one of them to interfere or change the reality of the situation. Children develop resilience when they have to face difficult situations – and twins often do not learn to manage these challenges until they are older. You are a wonderful mother to recognize that making things equal in this situation would send a detrimental message to both boys and interfere with their learning how to handle their successes and failures as individuals, on their own. Just try to be patient – it does take time for everyone to adjust.

Toddler Troubles!!!

Question

I have identical twin girls, who are 3 years old and the joy of my life. The challenge I am facing at the moment is their desperate jealousy of one another for me to hold her and not her sister. I am battling to split myself in half because the issue is actually that neither of my girls want just half of me, they want the FULL me without their sister around. Maybe to say more clearly, they both want to be picked up but aren’t prepared for me to pick them BOTH up or sit with both of them on my lap. For example, when I sit down with them to play a game, we happy to share me and it ends in buckets of tears and mini-tantrums at times. Then I can’t calm either of them down because they won’t allow me to hold both of them together.

Answer

I was so afraid to follow your advice but understood that I needed to try to arrange some separate time with each twin even though I was anticipating some resistance and tantrums. I was so pleasantly surprised to experience that finding a routine and rhythm was easy and incredibly gratifying. Now my husband and I have a wonderful Friday night ritual. Each of us goes to dinner separately with one daughter. It is so delightful to have an enjoyable conversation with one child without fighting or bickering. Another great benefit is being able to eat at a much better restaurant since you don’t have to limit your choices to a child friendly place where you eat quickly. The girls are happy to see each other when they get home to talk about their time with mommy or daddy. Thanks Joan for writing about the importance of alone time with twins. It is something every parent should try to do whenever they can.

Identical Car Seats?

Question

We’re trying to pick out car seats. We thought about doing two different colors to make it easier to know which seat is adjusted for which baby, but also so they have their “own” color, etc. But they’re babies–what if they both hate pink and love blue and we get one pink and one blue? Should we just get two the same? Am I overthinking this? Part of me says, it’s part of the car technically and it shouldn’t matter. But part of me wants them to have something more their own. Not a huge thing but just curious what you have to say on it!

Answer

As far as the car seat colors, it is a great question. I believe it is important to get two different colors – for the practical reasons that you mention and also for the psychological rationale behind the decision. The girls will not be differentiating their preference for color based upon any aesthetic predilection for quite a while. Certainly when they are older and have more developed cognitive skills, they will be able to decide which colors they prefer. This capacity to differentiate what is “mine” from “not mine” is so helpful with the individuation message. If they do tell you later that they hate the color of their car seat, you can simply explain the reality of the situation. “Mommy and daddy had to decide by themselves what colors to choose because you could not tell us what colors you liked when you were a baby. Now, that you are older, you can help choose the colors of so many things by yourself.”

A Gang of Two

Question

I am a mother of 5 children, ages 20, 18, 14 year old girls and 4-year-old identical boys. I am very frustrated and don’t know what or where to turn. One of the twins has always been the leader and has bossed his brother since early on. I have enrolled them in a preschool and this is their 4th week. The boys have seemed to block out the teacher and do not want to follow rules. They will not give them eye contact and the biggest issue today is S pushed another child and stomped on the teacher’s foot. S doesn’t seem to want to sit at circle time and one day this week he got up and pulled pictures off of the wall. P then followed him doing the same thing. So in a nutshell they are disruptive to an existing class. My heart of hearts thinks it is like your book says too much togetherness.

Answer

Don’t despair – this is a common occurrence with twins – but you will need to take specific actions so that this pattern is disrupted. They need to be separated because they are accustomed to feeling very powerful and interdependent when they act as a duo. They will have difficulty with the separation as they are probably more attached to each another than to you. Is there any option of a morning or afternoon class? It sounds as if P would like the chance to be part of the group but is bound by those twin dynamics to join in with S. The optimal thing, if possible, would be to find a school that has separate classes and initiate each boy slowly into his own classroom. I understand that this might be difficult but it’s essential to do this now so that this dynamic does not continue.