The caretaking roles that twins take on for each other can be deep, lifelong, and genuine. However, when the power dynamic shifts, potential problems arise.

An identical twin woman in her thirties (Leah) contacted me about her sister (Marissa). Leah has pleaded with Marisa to get professional help for her chronic medical problems, but Marisa refuses. Marisa wants Leah to leave her alone and not interfere.

Listening to Leah’s angst and helplessness made me think of parents who cannot impact or control their child’s addiction. Leah told me that she has always been like a mother to Marisa. Their father was absent, and their mother was an alcoholic. Leah has felt responsible for Marisa all their lives. She is frustrated and enraged that Marisa will not listen to her. Leah struggles with understanding her twin’s dismissive selfishness. She cannot accept that Marissa seems to have no remorse or guilt about how her illness is impacting Leah.

This is a heartbreaking situation. Parentified Leah can make no inroads into her twin’s wish for autonomy. She cannot bear to acknowledge that she has no authority or power to make Marisa change her mind, and she dreads what may happen to her.

Photo by Anna Shvets, Pexels