Many years ago, I spoke with a mom of eight-year-old twins who shared one of her daughter’s words of wisdom. Mom and daughter were spending special alone time together. Spontaneously, her daughter turned to her mom and said, “I don’t need my sister, I just miss her.” This sentence has stayed with me always as an illustration of a healthy intimate twin connection.

Twins of all ages express varying needs for their twin. These can be experienced in terms of comfort, security, love, specialness, and connection. As twins mature and long for a sense of their individuality, the need-satisfying emotional piece of the twinship may understandably shrink or diminish. Tragically, if only one of the dyad seeks more independence and the other is not in a similar place, the relationship’s meaningfulness to both can shift tremendously.

An identical female twin in her early twenties (Shaina) shared how alienated and sad she felt that her sister was in a committed romantic relationship. Although seemingly happy for her, she felt pushed out and replaced by her sister’s boyfriend. Her twin no longer looked to her for reassurance, guidance, or companionship. Recently, however, her twin sought her support because she was going through a hard time academically and wanted to share her struggles with her twin. Shaina was elated and told me that she felt closer to her sister again because she needed her.

I took this opportunity to share a cautionary tale with Shaina. I explained that there were healthier ways of feeling close to her twin than being needed by her. Her sister’s need levels will fluctuate, and that might make Shaina feel jerked around and used. While we understand this interdependence can be a favorable aspect of twinship, if it acts as the only or dominant variable of closeness, problems can arise. In a perfect world, Shaina will develop into a more autonomous person who can be flexible with her twin’s needs.

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch, Pexels