An identical twin who lives in the UK contacted me with the following inquiry:

“I have a history of failed relationships because growing up I was so dependent upon my twin brother. How do I break this pattern?”

Ivan told me that he and his twin brother, Igor, did everything together and never spent one day apart. However, when their jobs landed them in separate cities, each was living alone for the first time.

Ivan had had a few serious relationships with women while studying at a university. However, since he lived with Igor and they were well acclimated to their shared routines, Ivan eventually lost interest in these outside relationships because his energy and attention were innately diverted to Igor.

Finding himself alone, Ivan made more calculated efforts to connect with women. While he had some mutually pleasurable encounters, one or the other party would become bored and move on. Eventually, Ivan concluded that he lacked the motivation and drive to attach to another person. He claimed he had a huge propensity for laziness when it came to dating.

In actuality, he felt incredibly insecure and out of his element when faced with developing a connection. He said that dating felt like playing a video game with Igor. In other words, it was a pleasurable mindless pastime that required minimal conversation, nonverbal communication, and a rote affectless demeanor.

Ivan had never learned the essentials of social interaction, so he worked diligently to listen to another person and to be present and comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings. While this may sound farfetched, I have counseled several twins who, like Ivan, never had the opportunity to learn how to connect with others. I envision their communication as being similar to directing a command or inquiry to Siri. They ask a question and receive an answer.

The twin bond houses the unspoken emotional ties emblematic of the siblings’ closeness and connection. Articulating emotions to someone outside the twinship takes a different set of skills.

Photo by Omid Armin on Unsplash