I am well versed on how codependent attachments can create dysfunctional behaviors in singletons as well as twins. However, my recent experience treating an identical twin woman in her forties who lives on the East Coast has been an eye-opening journey for both of us.

The intense and frequent emotional abuse perpetuated upon my patient by her twin sister has been happening for years. Her situation is similar to the dynamics in a romantic relationship where a woman is abused by a boyfriend or husband except that her abuser is her twin. As is common in such cases, my patient lacks the courage and emotional wherewithal to leave the relationship and find refuge elsewhere.

While I cannot go into detail about the family and environment that have contributed to the present circumstances, it is pertinent to highlight how the twinship has played into this troubling dilemma.

My patient (“Bella”) had a troubled adolescence, as did her twin (“Randie”). Bella was bullied in high school and humiliated by “mean girls.” She suffered with anxiety and depression. She has always lived with or nearby her sister. Bella idealized her connection to her sister, feeling that her twin was the only person she could trust. Randie “saw” her in a way that no other person had ever known her. Bella would jump at the chance to help Randie in any way she could. Usually, this help came in the form of lending Randie money. At the drop of a hat, Bella would gift her small amounts or large amounts, never questioning why she needed money or for what. Bella related that giving Randie money was her “love language,” and she loved Randie more than anyone else in her life.

A few months ago, Bella reached out to me. She was beginning to resent her twin’s demands and expectations. This resentment worried her because it made her feel like a bad person. However, Randie’s demands were getting bigger and bigger, and Bella recognized that her inability to say no and create boundaries was her problem to confront.

As we explored together the degree of exploitation, manipulation, and demands that went far beyond requests for money, Bella and I created a more realistic narrative about what was happening. However, until one can gently uncover the genesis of the present narrative, very little change or emotional growth can occur. Gradually, Bella and I have developed a mutual working relationship whereby we both agree that taking baby steps toward change is what works best in this situation. It is quite challenging to believe and accept that a relationship characterized by Bella as “caretaking” for so many years has morphed into an abusive attachment that has robbed her of not only money but more importantly her sense of agency, autonomy, and self-respect.

Image by cookie_studio on Freepik