What can happen when male identical twins grow up without developing an emotional connection? That is, while they shared academic and other activities as children, they did not exchange feelings or emotions about themselves or their relationship. Neither felt that anything was missing as this dynamic seemed normal to them. When they became adults and formed outside interests and romantic relationships, the twin connection could not survive because the brothers had not developed any tools to understand or make room for others.

In the two cases I want to highlight here, neither twin was able to repair the rupture that occurred. Both men were in their late 30s. One twin, whom I will call Bill, had never entertained the idea that his brother might abandon him. He had always assumed that the two of them would live together and remain close and connected. He felt blindsided when his twin disclosed that he was moving in with his girlfriend. Bill has done considerable work in therapy to understand how and why he was so traumatized by the shift in circumstances. He has gone on to make a wonderful life for himself, but his twin’s romantic relationship has compromised their connection, and Bill continues to struggle with how to adapt to this new emotional paradigm.

Another identical twin male, whom I will call Aubrey, wanted me to help him understand the rupture that occurred between him and his twin after his brother married. He believes that his brother’s wife has made it impossible for him to have a separate relationship with his twin. Aubrey and his brother have attempted therapy together and individually. Sadly, little has changed other than a widening of the chasm between the two. I speculate that Aubrey’s twin is caught in a loyalty conflict, feeling he must put his family first. It is such a shame that there is no safe place for the twin connection. As in Bill’s case, Aubrey and his twin grew up without an emotional awareness of their connection and thus had no psychological preparation for what was going to occur.

Interestingly, the families of both twins have been devastated by the brothers’ estrangement. They find it hard to believe that children who grew up so close and loving could end up estranged as adults. Naturally, witnessing a rupture they never anticipated is shocking and sad for the families. However, both families are beginning to accept the new reality, knowing their feelings and wishes have little impact on the brothers’ dynamics. The twins themselves are gradually adjusting to their altered family systems with a tremendous mixture of sadness, anger, resentment, and powerlessness. They can get along when they need to; however, they feel a profound sense of loss about their once-strong twin bond.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash