Twins often assume, perhaps inexplicably, that their same-age sibling thinks and feels exactly as they do. For instance, one twin might think, “I’m worried about X, so my sister must be worried too” or “I feel sad about Y; therefore, she must feel the same way.” This type of assumption often extends to guilt and other emotions: “I feel guilty about Z, and so must she.”

The caretaking twin, often filled with compassion, empathy, and forgiveness, may cling to the belief that her twin sees and feels as she does. Therapy, however, can disrupt this illusion. When the caretaker twin realizes her sibling does not share the same thinking patterns, it can be a painful revelation. Feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness often follow—not only for holding on to this belief but also for neglecting her own emotional needs.

Helen, a 35-year-old identical twin, contacted me to uncover what her life might have been like if she had been born a singleton. For as long as she can remember, Helen has felt responsible for her sister, Lucy. This sense of duty necessitates a belief in sameness, which ensures a sense of stability and equality. Helen suppresses feelings of resentment or anger, especially when she views herself as the stronger or healthier twin.

In fact, her dissociated thoughts that she needs to suffer to compensate for the guilt of being born without a minor birth defect has influenced her self-esteem and confidence. This self-imposed guilt keeps Helen trapped in a cycle of justifying Lucy’s behavior, even when it is controlling, selfish, or hurtful. What would Helen have to face if she admitted that she and Lucy are not identical in their thoughts or emotions? When one twin assumes that their sibling thinks and feels the same way about everything, it becomes nearly impossible to confront or acknowledge differences.

Helen often thinks, “Lucy must feel bad being depressed and not being able to work.” While assumptions like this might hold some truth, they overshadow Lucy’s actual behavior—mistreatment, dismissal, or lack of acknowledgment of Helen’s feelings. Helen justifies Lucy’s actions, attributing them to sadness or depression, rather than allowing herself to feel hurt or angry. This tendency leaves no room for Helen’s own emotional reactions. She responds to Lucy through a lens of empathy, unable to recognize hostility or selfishness for what it is. Instead, Helen thinks, “Lucy can’t help it; she must be feeling terrible.”

The assumption of emotional sameness can be both comforting and damaging for twins. While it fosters a sense of unity, it can prevent individuals from acknowledging their own needs, emotions, and individuality. Breaking free from this cycle requires courage, self-reflection, and often the guidance of therapy. Recognizing the differences in thoughts and feelings between twins is not a betrayal but a step toward a healthier, more authentic relationship.

Photo by Craig Adderley, Pexels