I had always instinctively reacted to stories about enmeshed twins with disdain. In my mind they represented the essence of twins’ failure to find and celebrate their individuality and separateness. I feel fortunate that my involvement in twin psychology has provided me the opportunity to rethink some of my prior prejudices and snap judgments.

Recently I have spoken with a number of twin pairs who made it clear that living together forever with their twin was a decision they made earnestly and honestly. A pair of identical twin women in their midseventies described how their desire to stay together had multiple social and emotional ramifications. Both women recognized early on that their compatibility and mutual life experiences would be best served by staying together, and neither felt resentful or disappointed because of that. On the contrary, they were tremendously grateful and pleased about their shared lives.

Both women expressed annoyance and anger about how their father treated their twinship like a circus attraction. When they were young, he would make them hide under a cloak while he had onlookers guess who was who. The sisters could hardly wait until they could leave their small hometown and attend university. Both said that they followed the same career path as they were talented with numbers. They never worked at the same company and loved having to buy only one work wardrobe because they shared their clothing. Neither liked having to socialize with work colleagues. They love traveling together, and they are avid and intrepid tourists. Both achieved remarkable financial success independent of the other, citing how difficult it was for a woman to succeed in their respective fields of finance.

They have no regrets about their decision to be together—in fact, they say, it seemed ordained from the very beginning. The women are outgoing, charitable, fun-loving, and comfortable with who they are. Of course, they quarrel and bicker; nonetheless, they feel remarkable compassion and love for each other. What fascinates me is that the two of them appear to be equals. While they naturally depend on each other, one twin isn’t more needy than the other.

The choice to live an enmeshed life with your twin can work as long as it is a joint decision made by two individuated persons.

Photo by Daniela Schachner, Pexels