Some of my consultations are for only one or two sessions. In those situations, I am not often privy to how matters work out. Were the insights and suggestions that emerged helpful? In some cases, no significant or concrete ideas are discussed. Rather, the session is an experience between me and one person or between a twin couple. Having a safe space to share your feelings and concerns often lays the foundation for relating to your sibling with a new perspective.

Identical twin men in their late thirties contacted me to talk about their protracted habit of living together even though intellectually they understand and agree that continuing this arrangement might not be in their best interest. They had never sat down to talk with each other about the concerns and issues that keep them connected and consequently either unable or unwilling to make changes. Their family is concerned that their enmeshed existence keeps each twin from maximizing his professional and personal potential.

Both men welcomed the opportunity to share their perspectives with me and their twin. At the end of the hour, they said they were thankful for having the chance to hear each other speak authentically and honestly about how difficult it is to think about separating and living more individuated lives. Neither expressed any rancor or animosity as he described how he felt trapped and conflicted. Both recognized how their lifestyle keeps them connected and yet crippled at the same time.

They listened to each other with curiosity and compassion, both acknowledging how their comfortable dependence and love of shared activities have contributed to their lack of initiative. By the end of the session, both men had gained considerable insight and empathy for themselves. It was not about figuring out what to do but rather having a more enlightened and sophisticated understanding of their circumstances. Each seems capable of taking responsibility for his part in the problem.

My principal hope is that, whatever ends up happening, both men recognize and accept what is right for them as twins as well as individuals.

Photo by Roberta Sant’Anna, Unsplash+