Many twins lack an understanding about growing up as a twin until external life circumstances jolt them into a new awareness. I was speaking to an identical female twin in her midtwenties, whom I will call Abby, who repeatedly told me that she would never measure up to her sister. She seemed to feel as if this was an inevitable and unavoidable fait accompli. She concluded there was little she could do about it other than try not to get angry and upset.

She became annoyed and incredulous with me as I pressed her to explain why she believed so wholeheartedly that this situation was forever indelible. She explained that her twin was more resilient, focused, and socially successful. She hoped to be able to accept this reality and learn how to manage her resentful, sad, as well as happy feelings with respect to her twin.

In one of our sessions, we focused upon Abby’s difficulty maintaining close friendships. She explained that, unlike her twin, she has had very bad luck with roommates. As she shared some stories about what she had experienced, it became abundantly clear to both of us how much she was attempting to avoid recognition or competition with any of these friends.

She described an incident in which one roommate announced to another that both she and Abby had received a particular honor. Abby was enraged that this information had been divulged to the roommate who did not receive this acknowledgment. She told me she cannot bear others making her the center of attention or putting her in a situation where someone else might be compared to her and consequently come up short.

What an uncompromising solution to keeping oneself feeling erased and unimportant! When I pointed out that this behavior could be linked to her experience with her sister, Abby was dumbfounded. She had never considered that her friendship difficulties might be related to issues with her twin.

And so it is for many of us. Without therapeutic help or understanding, our unconscious feelings stay hidden and unarticulated until we are fortunate enough to have a trusted person help us figure things out. Hopefully Abby can modify her never attitude into something more positive and life-changing so she can begin to see herself in her own light rather than in the shadow of her twin.

Photo by Omran Jamal, CC BY 2.0