Recently I have done a number of consultations involving the issue of having an abusive twin. Of course, this type of situation is not uncommon among nontwin siblings. However, it does not fit the stereotypical notion that twins are best friends forever. Nevertheless, on closer examination, it is not difficult to discern how certain twin dynamics can lead to this behavioral paradigm.

Twins are exquisitely sensitive to each other’s feelings and needs. To keep their connection stable, one twin may organically become compliant and collusive. She will not react to or against a volatile sister. Over the course of many years, some twin pairs have no real awareness of this dance because they have lived it all their lives. However, an external stimulus such as a change in one’s status can be a catalyst for unleashing heretofore dissociated feelings.

An identical twin woman in her fifties (Jan) got in touch with me after a traumatizing exchange with her twin (June). They ran into each other at a restaurant, and June taunted and bullied Jan for no apparent reason. Although Jan reflected that this treatment was not unusual, for some reason that particular incident triggered many of Jan’s latent feelings about her relationship with June. She related how this chronic mistreatment burdened her emotionally, and she was not willing to tolerate it anymore.

Although I realized that I was hearing only one side of the story in this scenario, I felt comfortable validating that the mean and dismissive behaviors Jan suffered at the hands of her twin were intolerable. Although fearful of breaking off the relationship, she felt determined to end this lifelong abusive cycle. She broke away from their shared friend group and decided to cut all ties to June.

Jan reached out to me about nine months after our first call. She wanted to share her sense of well-being and freedom. She remarked that it felt terrific to no longer feel “interchangeable.” She has made friends exclusively on her own. She has cultivated closer ties with other family members, and she has even begun to think about dating again. She socializes with her sister at family gatherings and feels tremendous empathy for her. She is not feeling guilty, resentful, or responsible about her sister’s behaviors, and she no longer feels as if it is her job to keep the peace. She sees her twin as a separate person and respects how very different they are from each other.

Jan added that one of the biggest challenges of this separation has been having to withstand judgments and cross-examinations. She expressed impatience and annoyance with outsiders’ inability to grasp that a twinship can be one of the most difficult relationships to navigate. She wishes more people could understand the complexities of the situation and extend compassion and love to those twins who make the decision to live a more singular life.

Image by Engin Akyurt, Pixabay