I have had the pleasure of working with several identical male twin pairs. Interestingly, in a number of instances, the parents of the twins reach out for help for their sons. Mothers and fathers alike are stunned and grief-stricken, at a loss to figure out why their closely bonded twins have stopped speaking to or seeing each other. They have little patience with or understanding about how or why the twin bond has collapsed. Never in their wildest dreams had they imagined that this rupture would occur, nor can they fathom why the boys just don’t fix things and go back to how the relationship used to be.

Norton and his twin brother, Edward, grew up together and shared almost everything. They excelled equally in athletics and academics. Norton recalls that socially speaking, Edward seemed a bit more comfortable and outgoing. Norton worried sometimes about needing to make sure that Edward and he were on an equal footing.

Fast forward a number of years and the now midthirties’ brothers are living in the same state in different cities. Edward is married and Norton is not. A few years ago, a series of events ostensibly drove an impenetrable wedge between the brothers. Misunderstandings, miscommunications, and accusations of lying and unforgivable betrayals led to an immutable breakdown of trust.

Neither one has confronted this sort of conflict before; as a result, both resort to their individual defense mechanisms to protect themselves from the onslaught of anger and contempt that erupts. Edward appears to feel massively betrayed by his brother, relating that the hurt he has sustained is much bigger and more damaging that anything Norton may have experienced because of him. Norton, on the other hand, is quite sensitive and easily hurt. He does not have his brother’s protective armor when it comes to managing conflict. He finds disagreements distasteful and uncomfortable and has avoided controversy in previous relationships he has had. Attempts to facilitate communication with each other via emails and letters have produced little positive results.

Norton is conflicted about his upcoming wedding party. While he was Edward’s best man at his wedding several years ago, Norton is contemplating other options for his nuptials. He does not want his brother to be his best man, although he says he hopes he won’t feel guilty or have regrets later about having made that decision.

Conflict is a normal part of most relationships. However, if two people cannot respect differences, it becomes quite difficult, if not impossible, to consider opposing viewpoints or accounts of events and experiences. Frequently for twins, their differences feel like betrayals rather than expressions of unique feelings and beliefs. Working through the conflict requires an acceptance of divergent expectations rather than substantiations of sameness.

Image by Jennifer, Pixabay